Warning: Vent! (Trigger Warnings: None)

I've been really tired the last two days. I might still be recovering from the caffeine I had yesterday. It's interesting, I think it affects my POTS more than I thought. I felt sick every single day for months until I stopped taking my stimulant medication. I'd be fine in the morning. Then 11am-12pm would hit and my head felt really weird, like I couldn't use my brain. It didn't hurt but it felt hella uncomfortable. I also felt really hot/cold at the same time. Just generally unwell, not really able to pinpoint what was wrong other than those two symptoms. Felt it bad yesterday after having only 80mg of caffeine, and I'm feeling that a little today. Very very very exhausted as well. Going through a mini stimulant induced flare up I think. Sucks. Hate it. POTS can go die in a dirty ass ditch somewhere.

Also, I've not been feeling myself lately. Too obnoxious, too loud, too overshare-y, too chatty. Something is wrong, but I can't tell if it's the POTS fucking with my brain or if it's the DID? If it's an alter, help me god because I don't want to be replaced as host. Granted, it'd be nice to share hosting with someone. I'd be too afraid to lose my status, though. Especially to someone whose behavior I don't like. I'm sorry to whatever alter if it is an alter, but the behavior is just too hyper and weird. I don't know what to do. It's been a few days (a week maybe? Or two? Maybe months...? I don't remember) of feeling like this with the behavioral changes. It's so off putting and scary. I hate acting outside of my control. Every word I say and everything I do feels wrong. It doesn't feel like me. I need it to stop, and I need to make sure I'm staying as host. I'm almost to the year mark of my existence in the system...very few hosts have lasted this long since we figured out we have DID. I need to continue being host. I can't let it go.

Please gods just make everything stop.