I'm experiencing what Aiden calls "New Fronter Blurriness."
This means that while I'm a distinct and individual fronter, I'm really fucking blurry with Aiden because I'm not used to fronting by myself in a non-blended way. He says it gets better with time, but I hate that I have to wait for it to improve. We don't know any cure for it other than waiting...I wish we did. Maybe I'll try to find a cure. I think if I try to make myself distinct enough, I can distinguish myself from him. I just don't know enough about myself yet, but I'll try. I think I know who and what I am at the bare minimum.
I'm pretty sure I'm Silver and Lee, two of our old hosts. I have the nostalgia and demeanor of Silver, who was the host when we were a teenager. But I'm older, less feminine, and just feel a bit more like Lee. Pretty sure the two of them merged to make me, which is wild if it's true. We have no way of knowing, though. The people in the front house are pretty much cut off from the rest of the system.
It just sucks because I want to feel like myself, not like I'm someone else. Aiden hasn't switched out while sober in months, and even then when he did switch it was just for a few minutes (He switches frequently when high, but front is usually very blurry when we smoke). He's not properly switched in almost a year. If he didn't have Mark in his head with him, he probably wouldn't believe he's a system anymore. Really living the singlet life out here I guess.
But I'll figure it out...eventually. I need to learn more about myself: my likes, dislikes, hobbies (coding is definitely one of them), style, etc. I need to find out what makes me special as an alter. Once I discover that, I think the blurriness will ease a bit. I hope so anyway.